He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
