she woke up with a sticky ear
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
