I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
