I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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