i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
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