Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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