Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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