It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
