lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
