I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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