I don't usually arrange sex via text message
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
