Pappa wants mamma naked
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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