Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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