My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
