im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
