Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
