It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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