WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
