I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
