I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Boobs are out for the taking
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
