Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
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