On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
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