Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
