So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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