Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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