What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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