I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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