awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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