I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Randomize