had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
