If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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