there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
