Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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