My underwear smells like fireworks.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
