Someone shit on the floor
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
