You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
So much Jack, so little girl.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
