I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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