I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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