Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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