i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
