I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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