Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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