I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
