dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize