Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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