A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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