She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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