TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
