I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
