It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think my vagina is haunted
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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