we made out on top of his cat.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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