True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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