would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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