Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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