When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
