I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
