hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
