you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
