i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
