I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
